Hmmm, seriously, the feeling of not being trusted, especially by your own family, is really not good at all.

I thought that my mum is the only one that dont understand me, now my dad too. Is kinda sad. They always see the negative side of me. It seems that no matter how hard i try to spend time with them, they just dont sees it. Maybe on my part, i didnt really go deep into their life, wanting to know about what they are doing, never really go care for their life, never really share alot with them. This maybe are what i need to improve on. But i can say it takes time, just like it takes time to heal a broken heart. I can share and will share with people that are close with me. To my parents, not that i dont want to share with them, i just dont know how. It seems like im so far apart from them. But i can share alot with my shen shen(aunt), it seems that is so much easier to share with someone i see once a year than my mum who i see everyday.

My shen shen had given me the feeling that she wants to know more about my life and cares about me. When i was in malaysia, besides my grandma, she is the only one that will really sit down and talk to me, hearing me out. At first, i dont really feel comfortable talking to her, cos i know she wants to talk to me about church staff again. I know my parents have been telling them about me going church and staff. But as we continue talking, i feel comfortable talking to my shen shen. She gives me the feeling that she understand and really care. Though she also disagree some of the things, at least she talked to me in a nice way and respect me, respect my decision. I really enjoyed sharing with her. Hmmm, how i hope my mum will be like her. Someone once said, "We cannot choose our own parents, but to love them as who they are."

Many a times, including myself, will always think that someone else parents is so much better than our own parents. But come to think about it, i feel we are so much "xin fu", at least we still have parents than those children without parents. We should love and treasure them.

To me, i will still love my parents. But like i say, it takes time to heal. All the fear my mum had given to me, its not that easy to forget and release it. I still cannot bring myself to share with her or even my dad. To my mum, not that i want to compare, but she treats my sister and brother so much better than me. Maybe deep in her, she hates me for being the cause for the quarrel to her and my dad when i was young. Its a long story. It also hurts me when my mum said that i dont even care for this family at all.

I hate to see myself being sad, moody, angry, stress, frastruated, jealous, depress, worry and fear so much. I tell myself, life is not easy as i think, but will try my best to be happy. Jia You! (:

* I trust in you, My Lord! (: